Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
