bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
