if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
