i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
