i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
