she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I forgot wine drunk hurts
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
