You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
