everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
