we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
