My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
