it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
