oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
