office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I wish there were birth control emojis
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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