i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
3pm strippers are depressing
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
