I got her a Nickelback box set.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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