Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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