I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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