I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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