He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
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