My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
