you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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