dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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