I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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