He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i drank out of a bidet.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
