i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
