This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
