Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
