I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
