Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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