do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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