i permit you to call me
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
