Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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