I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
