I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
