nut hugger
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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