I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
