Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
