this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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