Can i not drive my cunt home
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
