sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
