i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
