Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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