guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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