Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
