He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
