I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
