after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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