he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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