sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
honey bunches of taint.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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