Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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